I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
