Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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