U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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