Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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