farters have to be the big spoon...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
