i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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