That's intense
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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