its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
