why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
