The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
