a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
