If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
