put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
