let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
