i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Randomize
