so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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