My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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