naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
