My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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