She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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