Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
