i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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