I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
