nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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