two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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