How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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