can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
