I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
