if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
