The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
