I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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