she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
