You made me cry and you don't even care
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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