I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
