guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
