It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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