pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
