my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
