Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
