You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
