Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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