We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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