I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you never un-have a 4some
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
