you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
