Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
50% drunk capacity currently
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
