She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
