Apparently you make a good broom.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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