he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
