Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
