Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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