I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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