soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
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Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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