dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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