Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i love accidental penises.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
