Do you still have your period?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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