U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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